A Million Little Pieces

I realize that it has been quite a while since I posted anything on here especially considering that I promised I would post special memories of Chris. But up until this point, I was just not ready. Every time I started writing a new post I would stop just short of posting. I apologize in advance for any grammatical or stylistic errors. I really wanted to write this but am in a rush as I am trying to study for last semester's finals.

I think the grieving started for me a little later than normal because I was trying to hold it together through everything. Before the visitation and funeral, my family and I wondered how we would ever have the strength to get through such a thing. After the visitation we all talked about how it wasn't as hard as we thought. It wasn't as hard as we thought because I know God was carrying us through all of that in the palm of his hand. He instilled us with extra strength so that we could give Chris the proper burial he deserved.

The first time I came to visit Chris I stayed for about 4 days or so (it's all really a blur). At some point my parents decided that he was doing better and it would be ok for me to leave to go back to school. So I did. I was in the middle of studying for finals so I kept my phone on vibrate while in the library. One night I forgot to take it off vibrate (I know you are probably thinking how I could forget in such a situation but my mind was in a million different places). The next morning I woke up at 9:30am finding several missed calls from my dad starting at 7:30. I braced myself as I called him back for the worst news possible. He said I better come to Columbus, that Chris was not doing well. I flew out of my apartment, flew down back country roads in rainy weather thankful that my brother was still here with us when I arrived, even though just barely. As I arrived into town my brother had survived a very high risk transfer to another hosptial. It was considered high risk even though the hospital was 3 blocks away. That is how unstable his condition was. Later that night, as we were sitting in the waiting room a nurse came down the hallway with a grim look on her face. All of this was like something out of a movie. Every time a nurse or doctor came down the hallway you braced yourself for the worst and the worst news is what she had: Chris was rapidly declining. And my sister was still in Ecuador. As my mom, dad and I walked down that hallway embracing each other before going into see Chris all I could think was that we would never all be together again. The last time we were all together was a little less than a year ago at Christmas. My favorite times and memories are of the 5 of us being together, just us, enjoying a good home cooked meal and some wine. And in that moment my heart broke into a thousand different pieces. More hurtful than the worst break-up, something you've never felt until you have experienced it. But my brother yet again gave me another speical gift...he hung on and survived that night and kept surviving until Lauren arrived...and he even held on some days after her arrival so that we could all have time together. And even though it wasnt our normal dinner table discussion and laughter, we were together as family. And on the night of Chris's passing as my mom, dad lauren and I surrounded Chris bedside holding his hands, singing to him and ppraying together, I felt like my family had never been so close before as we were in that moment. But i was so saddened that this was it, our last moments as the family we had always known. My heart remains in a million little pieces and I suppose that it will for a long time. But God sends my family and I messages that one by one help put the pieces back together. For much of this time my thoughts were consumed by the fact that we would never all be together again...until the other day when I had revelation: that was not the last time we will all be together again. We will one day all be in Heaven--in our real home--together enjoying a home cooked meal far better than any of us could ever imagine and lauging together into eternity. Chris just happens to be the first to get there.

Chris was always special to me. And as I got older he became an amazing friend to me as well as a brother. Since his passing, as I stated earlier, he has given me so many wonderful gifts. Most especially, he renewed and made stronger my relationship with Jesus. God has sent my family and I so many messages to let us know that Chris is there with him. Here are just a few:

In my room at my parents house I have a vanity table and on it there are several little poreclin figurines I have collected throughout my life, one being an white Angel that has very little box on the bottom that opens and closes. One day after Chris' passing I was sitting there geting ready to go somewhere and I stopped for a moment to think about everything. I looked at the angel, not remembering who had given it to me. I picked it up and opened the box. Inside was a tiny piece of torn off line ruled school paper. On the paper it said, "I love you, Aunt Hazel 1998." My dear sweet Aunt Hazel was my grandmother's sister and a godly woman. She had passed about 3 or so years before. Here, I had this angel for over 10 years and never once had I opened the little box. I know my Aunt Hazel is with Chris in Heaven and I felt like she was speaking out to me saying "I love you, he is here with me and everything will be ok."

On another occasion, right after the funeral something else happened. Around the time that my grandfather was very ill and soon before his death, my mother brought him a little plant (prob in 2006). She was there often with him so she took care of it and after his passing she brought it back to Troy. For four years she cared for this plant watering it and making sure it had proper sunglight, so she alwasy wondered why it would never bloom. She kept the plant in our big pantry (which has a window). Soon after Chris's passing she was in and out of the pantry and noticed to her surprise that the plant had finally bloomed. After four years there was finally a flower. That is the picture you see above. I think it is yet another sign from Heaven.

And lastly, the other night I had a very strange dream. I dreamt that Chris came back from Heaven. He did not talk much but he did tell us that he had come from Heaven although he couldn't tell us why. Most of the time he just say quietly and stared at us, but his gaze was very distant and he looked very unhappy to be with us. We tried asking him questions like what was God like and what was heaven like but he would not respond. The entire time he looked as if he wanted to return to where he had come from. After one day, he vanished. The next morning I woke up and vividly remembered this dream and was very disturbed by it. I reached to my daily devotional, as I normally do in the morning. Currently, I am using the Morning and Evening Edition of Grace for the Moment: Inspiration for each day of the year by Max Lucado (it's great, I highly recommend it). I was on schedule with the devoational so I turned to that mornings devotional and this is what it said:

"Made for Heaven"

My kingdom does not belong to this world. John 18:36

Unhappiness on earth cultivates a hunger for heaven. By gracing us with a deep dissatisfaction, God holds our attention. The only tragedy then, is to be satisfied prematurely. To settle for earth. To be content in this strange land...

We are not happy here because we are not at home here. We are not happy here because we are not supposed to be happy here. We are "like foreigners and strangers in this world" (1 Pet. 2:11)....

And you will never be completely happy on earth simply because you were not made for earth. Oh, you will have your moments of joy. You will catch glimpses of light. You will know moments or even days of peace. But they simply do not compare with the happiness that lies ahead.

-Max Lucado

I was disturbed by that dream because Chris seemed so unhappy being with us yet I was glad to know that he came from Heaven. As you can ascertain from the devotional above, Chris was not happy here because he had already been to Heaven and seen what true happiness is. Our God works in such mysterious ways. I think it was no coincidence that this devotional was for the morning of January 10, the morning after my dream. After reading that, I no longer felt disturbed by that dream. I just realized that Chris has arrived at our real home and knows a happiness that none of us on earth have yet to experience.